First Rule of Fight Club

Now that my kids are nearing 4 & 2 years old, our house is the equivalent of a UFC Fight Night. Only toddler style. And with less rules.

You know, when you have little girls, they always tell you the stereotypical B.S. about how they’re going to be little pixies, serene & soft-hearted. They’re going to sit primly at the table and host tea parties with their little doll friends. They’re going to be such gentle souls that butterflies will just naturally flock to the perfect little rays of sunshine. I’m here to tell you that for 95% of our lives, ALL OF THAT IS A LIE. My girls are rough & tumble monsters, just waiting to hit someone with a chair while they’re not looking.

Yesterday, my little 3 year old little angel threw her elbow so hard into my 1 year old’s mouth, it knocked her onto her butt & busted her lip open. Over a box of paper. Because she does not give a single f@&k about anything.

My precious, smiley baby has taken to seeing how many handfuls of hair she can remove from big sister’s head before said sister becomes bald. For really no reason at all. Other than to feel the sheer pleasure of making someone feel pain with your bare hands.

They’re absolute savages. They’re out for blood and don’t care about the consequences. They hit, they kick, they throw things, they push each other off of things. It’s to the point where I wouldn’t even trust them to be alone together while I go to the bathroom. The good news there is that, like every mother, I don’t know what a solo bathroom trip looks like. What a blessing, amirite?

The worst part of this has to be the fact that you can watch them attack, brutally and without hesitation, and they’ll turn around, look you square in the eye, and claim it never happened. It’s all a figment of your imagination. It’s terrifying. And seems never-ending. Will it ever stop? Maybe when they’re teenagers & they decide to join forces in waging war against the horrible parents they’ve been burdened with? Sounds about right.

 

When I signed up for this kid stuff, I don’t remember signing on to be a referee…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, guyyyyyyys. I’m kind of tentatively back. I’m not creative to come up with stuff on the fly all the time, so instead, I’m going to attempt to blog roughly once a month. Yanno, unless I have something cool to say. Which is unlikely at best. So yeah, keep an eye out. I’ll hopefully be around. 🙂

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Too much to do. No time to do it.

As a stay-at-home mom, I end up with the lion’s share of the household chores, simply by default since I’m here much more frequently. To anyone without kids, chores basically look like this: clean your dishes, wash your clothes, occasionally sweep the floors. For parents, this is like a laughable list of impossible tasks. At least when your kids are small & they choose to undo everything you’ve ever accomplished in your house with a simple bowl of Cheddar Bunnies.

My chore list is ridiculous. Ridiculous in that it’s ridiculous it hasn’t given me an aneurysm yet. It goes as follows:

  • Do the dishes. All 47 Replay bowls that the toddler needed for 506 different foods, all of which are less than half eaten. Oh, wait. The baby just came & spit up in the dishwasher. That’s cool, right? I mean, it’s supposed to wash the dishes anyway… Right?
  • Wash, dry and fold the clothes. Except the toddler needs, NEEDS, to load the washer for you. And doesn’t know how to use laundry bags. So everything goes in together. Even the poop covered stuff, which is inevitable when you have two kids under 3. Cool. Hanging things on a drying rack is a delight when everything you hang gets ripped down 3 seconds later in a damp mess on the floor. And folding… Wow. That’s a special event. It’s not even describable how disastrous folding can be with two small kids in tow.
  • Take the dog out. Clean the cat litter box. Feed the animals, don’t forget the fish. Why did I sign on the keep track of so many people that aren’t myself? Why am I in charge of no less than FOUR small creatures & their feces? Have kids, they say. Get pets, they say. It’ll all be so rewarding. Except they leave out the part where no less than half your day is figuring out whose poop this is, and why it’s in the living room floor, and why everyone smaller than you gets a larger share of the food budget than you do. Rude.
  • Sweep and mop the floors. 900 times a day. Because all 47 of those Replay bowls you just put in the dishwasher were spilled on the floor prior to their journey to the kitchen sink/counter. How anyone with toddlers, us included, aren’t host to at least 5 different types of rodent is nothing short of a miracle.
  • Clean every other area of the house. Except that once I finish cleaning the same crap over and over all day, there isn’t any time to clean anything else. Unless I never sleep.

The point is… Stay in the main living area of my house. I’m not honestly sure I’m even getting anything done. This could be some sort of mind game the house & kids are playing on me to see how long they can run me into the ground before I crack. That’s fine, I guess.

5 things ALL parents do.

In lieu of the normal “x things y-style parents do”, I’ve decided to be a bit more inclusive. Because as parents, we all need the daily struggles and triumphs to unite us. This is a crazy hard club to be in, and it gets even harder when you try to fit into groups and realize you may have fallen short.

So without further ado… The 5 things every parent will do before their babies grow up.

 

  1. Count down to bedtime. A day with your kids is rife with triumphs and joys and reasons to smile. But sometimes, you need to countdown to bedtime. And when it finally arrives, it’s perfect okay to breathe a sigh of relief that the day has come to an end. Because with kids, things can get downright Alice in Wonderland crazy sometimes.
  2. Go insane. Some days call for it. Maybe you woke up to a poop painting on the wall, or your kiddo is throwing a tantrum because you won’t let them climb the chimney, or you’re just feeling touched out. You will feel on the brink of sanity sometimes. Often (or maybe that’s me). It’s okay. Don’t sign yourself up for a padded room just yet. It’s just a small part of your life with kids. It will pass. And come again. But the important part is that it isn’t constant.
  3. Fail. Every parent on the face of this earth WILL fail some days. Maybe not at an entire day. Or maybe at everything. It’s okay. If you haven’t had a day like this yet, rest assured that it will come, and you will move past it. You’ll grow stronger in your failures. It’s okay not to be the perfect parent. Your children will grow up loving you more knowing that you go through the same things as they do, and they’ll be better people as well. It’s okay to show your flaws.
  4. Grow. Whether you had your kids at 18, before your life really even started, or at 40, after you’ve had many life experiences, parenting will help you grow. It’s completely different from anything you might have done before. Parenting is a hard job. A usually thankless job. It has it’s ups and downs. It can threaten to break you or lift you up in ways you never knew before. It’s a lesson in humility and patience. It forces you into being a bigger, stronger, smarter person than you may have been before children. It’s a beautiful ride, and it has some really beautiful consequences, too.
  5. Love. Parenting is the ultimate test in love. You’ll love every day. At the best and worst times. You’ll love more than you knew you could. And if you have multiples, you’ll multiply that love when you weren’t sure you could. You’ll love from the time you wake up until the time you go to sleep. And while they’re sleeping and you’re staring at their little faces, you’ll be certain this love is going to smother you with it’s greatness. You’ll love your children until they’re old and gray, no matter what, because you’re a good parent, and you’re doing a great job (remember that. Even if no one is telling you, just remember that).

 

No matter whether you’re young or old, have 1 kid or 15, no matter where you come from or how you were raised, you’ll go through it all. Because it’s all just part of this crazy, maddening, amazing, beautiful journey. And when it’s all over (it’s never really over), you’ll be a better person for all of it. So when you’re having a bad day, remember to give yourself some grace, and know that everyone else is going through all the same things.