First Rule of Fight Club

Now that my kids are nearing 4 & 2 years old, our house is the equivalent of a UFC Fight Night. Only toddler style. And with less rules.

You know, when you have little girls, they always tell you the stereotypical B.S. about how they’re going to be little pixies, serene & soft-hearted. They’re going to sit primly at the table and host tea parties with their little doll friends. They’re going to be such gentle souls that butterflies will just naturally flock to the perfect little rays of sunshine. I’m here to tell you that for 95% of our lives, ALL OF THAT IS A LIE. My girls are rough & tumble monsters, just waiting to hit someone with a chair while they’re not looking.

Yesterday, my little 3 year old little angel threw her elbow so hard into my 1 year old’s mouth, it knocked her onto her butt & busted her lip open. Over a box of paper. Because she does not give a single f@&k about anything.

My precious, smiley baby has taken to seeing how many handfuls of hair she can remove from big sister’s head before said sister becomes bald. For really no reason at all. Other than to feel the sheer pleasure of making someone feel pain with your bare hands.

They’re absolute savages. They’re out for blood and don’t care about the consequences. They hit, they kick, they throw things, they push each other off of things. It’s to the point where I wouldn’t even trust them to be alone together while I go to the bathroom. The good news there is that, like every mother, I don’t know what a solo bathroom trip looks like. What a blessing, amirite?

The worst part of this has to be the fact that you can watch them attack, brutally and without hesitation, and they’ll turn around, look you square in the eye, and claim it never happened. It’s all a figment of your imagination. It’s terrifying. And seems never-ending. Will it ever stop? Maybe when they’re teenagers & they decide to join forces in waging war against the horrible parents they’ve been burdened with? Sounds about right.


When I signed up for this kid stuff, I don’t remember signing on to be a referee…







Hey, guyyyyyyys. I’m kind of tentatively back. I’m not creative to come up with stuff on the fly all the time, so instead, I’m going to attempt to blog roughly once a month. Yanno, unless I have something cool to say. Which is unlikely at best. So yeah, keep an eye out. I’ll hopefully be around. 🙂