We don’t know what we’re doing.

My husband and I have had a short journey together, and are just now coming up on 4 years since we began dating. Yeah, your math is right. We suck.

You see, we got pregnant a whopping 6 months into our relationship. Talk about awkward. We fumbled along and were both fortunate that the other was in this for the long haul. We got married when I was 6.5 months pregnant with L. At the courthouse. With no one present. An awkwardly old officiant insisted on taking pictures of us, which are painfully embarrassing to look at, even now. We went out for a pizza lunch afterward, and that was the extent of celebrating our decision to spend the rest of our lives tangled up in each other’s lives.

Skip forward a few months, we now have a baby together. Yikes. We were sleep deprived. He was working nights. I was falling pretty hard into some wicked postpartum depression. Things weren’t fun at our house.

Time passed & we fell into a nice groove. Until L’s first birthday. I like to think it didn’t really send me into an existential crisis, but part of me would be lying. Three months later, I was pregnant with R, so clearly I handled it really well.

When I’m pregnant, I’m essentially useless. I’m that person in the first trimester that could sleep for 6 days straight, wake up, throw up, and go back to sleep. With R, we decided not to tell anyone until Christmas, which means that when I bailed on Thanksgiving, I was basically no one’s friend. But I was busy, barely being able to sit in one position without nausea crashing down on me. Whatever.

Then comes our homebirth. No one was overly confident in the whole thing, but it all turned out fine (that story may come later). I went into labor at L’s second birthday party. R was born without complication, just 6 days shy of L’s birthday. Helloooooo, shared birthday parties. Calling that a big win.

Now that we’re safely nestled in chaos, it’s easy to see that we’re clearly just fumbling through this whole thing. We didn’t purposely choose this life, we just kind of fell into it accidentally. We never had a plan in place before we signed the parenthood dotted line, so we’re finding our way as best we can. We’ve never been any single type of parent, we don’t follow any of the “rules”. I find myself in mommy groups that are labeled for one type of parent or another, but honestly, I don’t feel like we’re any type of parent.

We just don’t know what we’re doing, that’s all. But we’ll get there. Maybe. Someday.

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